Lost it all....

Many things have passed in just another hectic week of mine...things like my computer perpetually breaking down on the whole family which restricts my already limited access to the virtual world even more...

The only way to go online now is through my school's com...which I can't always use due to my commitments, and even if can, only an hour...


Did many things..i watched Pope John Paul II today at RME lesson...cool movie..

One statement made by one priest was :' Anger, is not a sin. It is normal to feel outrage in the face of evil. But, how do you express your anger?'

This was said during young Karol Wojtyla's time when the Germans invaded Poland and he was going to confession to tell the priest about the hatred he felt towards the Germans after he witnessed a few soldiers kill a boy who merely stole a bag of potatoes trying to feed his family.





I am still losing sleep over what happened the last week...

I had a discussion, or rather, a debate in the light of showing him my results...he preached to me, lectured me, antagonizing me, throwing me in my face that everything that happened was duly my fault, which no doubt is.


He yaked on about having a time table, planning my future and life, about we coming up with this study plan "together"

He did the talking....I just shutted up not having the mood to even object because anyway I know that i will not follow it unless I want to. So basically it was HIS plan.

But then again, one topic which never failed to anger me time and time again when he spoke about it...was about my "nincampooped" friends..so to speak which he claims dragged me down for my past exams...

That was the spark that ignited my fire of anger...my patience reached boiling point...I shouted at him...

He has been using this phrase of his....for the last few months every time he told me off...

Gone were the days I hung out at Cyber with those smokers and vulgar people...And only my close friends from there remain my group..It is always my friends when my behaviour is bad...when my results do not meet his personal expectations of me...when I do not do what he wants me to do...

I told him, that i have discarded all those "bad friends" and I can say i have chosen wisely.

If you do not know them, don't even talk about them because you are not even qualified to, for you yourself was worse than me, hanging out with smokers, conspiring with your group to send a coffin to your teacher on Teacher's Day.

I tried to explain to him that, as a group we do not just hang out only...its not just about hanging out that really bond us together...this bond was forged over time, sweat, tears and happiness throughout this 2 years...but then, he said this

"Your friends are all older than you by 1-2 years. Because of your age gap, sooner or later you will be left out because they are not of equal level to talk with you. They will be talking about their own stuff when they go to Poly and you will become like a burden to them. Maybe they are too polite now to say ' eh ben, seriously ar, you are really tiring us out now' they may not say it, but deep inside they might feel this."

I was...


Stunned...




In a few words, I have lost all consciousness of mind...


I did not want to believe what he said, at which point I left the living room. I was in total confusion of myself...I felt alone...in limbo, separated from my surroundings with this statement...

I was feeling insecure, unhappy, fearful.......

Am i being..a burden...to those around me...?

Am i just being, a little boy, tagging along with whom I try to be with?





I do not even know what to do, what to feel, how to respond...


Is it me, who makes the group of friends feel incomplete, being the 'extra', the odd one out...

Ostracized, left alone, in a moment of solitary.




if i were to break away....I will never know what to do...leaving them...



There will go, everything I stood for, everything I kept myself going for, everything that I stood my ground and held out for....


if it were to be the case....my guilt would be endless...if I ever caused them any form of awkwardness or misery..

I never wanted it to be this way..





If i ever made any of you feel bad due to my presence




im sorry..........