Had a great day yesterday celebrating my spritual director's birthday at Plaza Sing. Ate at Carl's Junior. I ate the Portobello Mushroom Burger, excellent....
Then I played HOTD 4 at X Zone with so many of my legionaries and people staring at me when I revealed the secret points, grenades and health bars...died at the stupid 4 th level, Temperance...when he rolled at me....zzz....I spent 2 credits for 4 levels....sounds ok to me...
Went Zion...And for once, Jerome lost to the perfect dual tag team Bryan and Joshua in Dota...he was pretty agitated at Johnathan for screwing up in certain parts of the game like killing me and Joshua...
Met Oli and the rest of the gang at Parkway Parade, to cut my hair...
When I joined them for dinner however...something happened.
My mind, as if collecting certain thoughts over the past few years in my life, suddenly released them all over into my body...
emotions like: sadness, insatisfaction, rejection clouded my mind....for as long as I can remember...
Suddenly, I felt extremely useless....when I thought about my commitments in church and school...what I have done wrong over the past few years in the societies I were involved in came crashing into me..
I felt sad, unhappy, guilty, unsatisfactory about myself, insecure.
I did not want to face anyone at that point of time. I felt bad for all the mistakes I made in my position as leader and member of 2 societies I am in, namely the servers and legion...Whatever contribution I made just seemed so trivial, small and insignificant towards the development of the societies
In servers, I did not do my part well enough...I make mistakes when serving...
In legion, as a leader I feel ashamed of myself when my behaviour and bad habits get in my way when doing my work, teaching and guiding my juniors in the course of honouring God and Our Lady, despite I do my best in doing whatever is required of me.
I was down all the way, keeping a small distance from the group..When they asked if I was ok, I just shook away from the world of my thoughts and just shrugged...obviously they knew something was wrong with me...I just said that it was a personal problem of my own...and I needed to solve it myself...
Despite the fact that at Starbucks Oli tried to reach out to me, hugging me, I just could not bear it...I felt that I do not deserve the care and concern people showed for me...I have not shown myself capable of being a true server or legionary...my position as president just potrayed me as a figurehead all the more...
During the bus ride, Terence talked to me and consoled me, sharing his part of going through stuff like this...the feeling of not doing the best you can, not putting all your heart, mind and soul in the execution of your work, the boundaries of your limitations you try to stretch, the face that people give you, hinting to you that what you did is just not good enough for their expectations.
I told him whatever I was feeling at that point of time...and he helped me to see the brighter side of what I have done, to earn my right...to gain the respect and trust of my younger juniors and my seniors....and, in the silence of my heart, I found the answer.
I can only do my best and what is required of me, and a little bit more. I have my limitations in life, and people cannot judge me for I have done my part...your comments is not my problem anymore.
While we were waiting for Matthew and Darryl to come, we played with some balls in Fengshan hawker centre...I apologized to Oli, for being sad and down, thus ruining the mood of the people around me...she told me it was ok, for people have their downside sometimes....For today my mind could not bear it....and it was partly due to the major things that were about to happen...
Holy week, servers training, legion ACIES too...all coming at the same time, which was why I felt so inadequate and stressed...
But eventually, i figured out what I must do, and I was back to normal again...
They arrived after half an hour..then we proceeded to the coffee shop to grab supper...
!Puani, Oli and I suddenly arrived at the subject of SM.....and we were talking about how !Punani and his "gay partner" Edmund would try out some kinky stuff...like SM...and something I suggested which is to sick to say.....so no comments....
oh and btw,... I found out that SM, stands for "sadomasochism"...go check out the dictionary
then !Punani said something, then I said :" yeah, if u not careful ar, later Edmuind F*** you upside down....."
then Oli caught her oli-virus and went into hyper mode immediately in the coffe shop...
lol.....
oh btw, a lot of stalls in the hawker centre received the Green Book awards which I found too good to be true until I tried the Fried Carrot Cake (chai tao kuay)
The carrot cake was fragrant, spicy and so absolutely melt in your mouth with all the eggs and chai po.........excellent...
The home made lemon tea brought back many memories to Oli, Terry and I coz it reminded us of how Oli concocted her uber sweet lemon tea in CJ My bread...which tasted exactly like the one I was drinking...
Roderick and Sharon left earlier to go home....We talked for awhile more before we went home...
Oli was going to walk home...so we all bade her goodbye...once again, she consoled me, telling me that she will always be there....to talk and confide in.....
Matthew, I , !Punani, and Darryl shared cab...and thank God for that coz I was having stomach pain....zzz...........
I got home....sat down in my bed for awhile..thinking of everything that has happened....I said a little prayer for myself and my clique,....and then I tucked myself in to retire for the night.
Terence, thanks for guiding me...After your talk, I have found the answer I needed to solve my problems...
Oli, you are always there, caring for us, crying with us when we are upset, sharing our joys together when we are happy...
hey guyz, sorry if I was a little anti-social during that point of time, but really, I am ok now...
To both societies, it is my commitment, I stick to it fully and completely.
No matter how bad things get, If there is something or someone I rely on, I would never give up
God, if anytime I feel inadequate, please guide me and show me the way so that whatever I do, I put my heart, mind and soul to it, to love you, and to do all these for the glory of Your name...Amen
Lyrics of the moment(haha,...oli, hope you dun mind)
The Prayer: By Josh Groban and Charlotte Church
Let this be our prayer(let this be our prayer..)
Just like every child...(just like every child..)
Need to find a place
Guide us with your grace
Lead us to a place so we'll be safe...
(oh btw oli, I left your manga in my friend's bag at PS, I'll get it back asap....sorry...:P)
To my clique
Thank you...thank you all...may we continue to stick by and strive for our commitments
God Bless, each and every one of you who make my life the way it is today...thank you...
